Cel Mates Crime Reports

**Important Update for Cel Mates Community** The team is currently experiencing issues with merchandise discount applications for Cel Mates and Dudes gear. Ricardo is actively seeking new supplier partnerships to resolve these challenges. - Current status: Discount system temporarily paused - Action in progress: Sourcing alternative suppliers - Next steps: Await further announcements *Members are advised to hold off on attempting to apply discounts until the situation is resolved.*

A new alert has been issued for Cel Mates community members to check activity in the Crypt area. This follows a pattern of similar notifications, including previous crypt-related announcements and a notable sewer gathering alert from October 2024. - Latest alert marks continued engagement within the community space - Pattern suggests regular community activities and gatherings - Members encouraged to participate in current crypt events *Members should check the Crypt for latest developments*

In a peculiar repeat offense, the notorious *aesthetic anarchist* Mark has once again targeted the mayor's residence. The culprit's signature move? Replacing all lightbulbs with harsh white lighting and stocking the refrigerator with mousse. This follows a pattern of design-focused break-ins, including December's infamous *Heist Reverser* incident involving strategic placement of flea market decor. - No valuables were taken - Charged with crimes against feng shui - Second identical incident in 6 months *Local interior designers have been called for emergency consultations.*

In a bizarre turn of events, Community Member Tina allegedly staged her own death to evade a substantial Uber Eats debt accumulated over 7 years. She later resurfaced as Sheila, claiming to be her own long-lost twin. Local residents became suspicious when Sheila displayed identical behaviors to Tina, including: - Ordering the exact same curry dishes - Engaging in similar confrontations with local pigeons This incident follows March's case of Velma Scarrington, who replaced city parking meters with philosophical quote-dispensing replicas before disappearing. *Authorities continue to investigate the apparent resurrection.*

Gordon Flett, now in custody, orchestrated an unusual crime targeting 12 mailboxes in a residential cul-de-sac. Instead of theft, he inserted mysterious handwritten postcards designed to create emotional distress. - Messages appeared to be from forgotten acquaintances - One postcard contained only the word WHY - No items were stolen, but caused significant psychological impact - Charged with psychological burglary This incident follows a pattern of unconventional crimes in the area, including the Heist Reverser who left unwanted decorative items in homes. **Law enforcement advisory**: Report any suspicious mailbox activity to local authorities.

Barry 'Page Closer' Flanagan remains at large after a series of vandalism acts at Anville Library. The suspect has been: - Gluing key pages of library books together - Leaving bookmarks with 'Chapter Closed' message - Causing disruption to students and readers **Impact of the vandalism:** - Failed exams due to inaccessible study materials - Stalled legal cases requiring reference books - Interrupted reading experiences, including Dostoevsky's Crime & Punishment *Latest Intelligence:* Sources suggest Flanagan may have shifted focus to manufacturing defective office supplies, specifically non-adhesive Post-it notes.

**Update on the Cecilia Clarks Situation** - Cecilia Clarks, editor of Tango & Cash II, remains missing after deleting all footage - Deletion occurred following harsh criticism from the director - Production team urgently needs to question Clarks about potential backups - If no backups exist, a complete reshoot may be necessary - Previous attempts to locate Clarks have been unsuccessful - The incident highlights the importance of data backup and professional communication in film production *If you have any information on Cecilia Clarks' whereabouts, please contact the production team immediately.*

- The Priest @mcbess is set to join a live stream this afternoon - Event follows a busy day of activities: • Rowdy choir practice • Four confessions • Football with the deacon • Communion wine tasting - The Big Print continues at 14:20 BST in Hell Radio - **Update**: Warden announces @mcbess will hit The Big Print live at 16:20 BST - Inmates instructed to report to Hell Radio *Don't miss this exciting broadcast from the Steel Hose Penistentiary!*